once upon a time,
it was only me,
only one person,
perhaps one was what i was meant to be,
i didnt dream of two,
ive never been one to try,
i didnt want a hello,
to become a goodbye,
it’s easier to say no,
so that you don’t ever see what’s behind a yes,
and that was the policy,
that’s my mess,
one can be powerful and self-fulfilling and strong,
one can be missing, and stressed, and alone,
one was supposed to be enough for just one,
one thought this because one thought it was supposed to be on its own,
it was never allowed,
so it was pointless to dream,
self inflicted infatuation,
for a girl who was never seen,
not quite the right personality,
and a bit too strange,
and she wasn’t pretty in the right way,
and for so many years that didn’t change,
one had to be enough,
because two was the taunting joke,
because I was always one,
yet it was always one that broke,
so when some one asked for two,
and it turned out there were three, four, five,
i said no,
and i said bye,
for a while this was good,
it was simple and quick and i didnt have to think,
for a while until a forgotten dream came back,
and one and one didn’t entirely stink,
one and one was fun and playful,
one and one was banter and teasing,
one and one was caring and kind,
one and one could make two, but wasn’t worth believing,
but i’m not entirely blind,
and i’m quite the overthinker,
she was too much, and she said she gave up,
and what if some one liked her,
one day one had a really bad day,
one was confused and upset and tired,
one wanted every problem in the world to be solved,
one called one and asked him if he liked her,
i was scared when i heard words id never heard before,
panicking and nervous and yet i knew it so long ago,
but she was a mess and broken,
so she decided it would be better if she just said no,
that lasted two months before one’s head could think straight,
one thought that maybe this one wasn’t one she should let go,
because despite one’s wishes, one was falling,
the same way one fell years ago,
we never entirely gave up talking to each other during that time,
and i, at no point, thought that i should,
and by the time it was december i finally realized,
that friends didn’t usually spend as much time thinking about each other as i would,
a proper one doesn’t ask to call everyday of the week,
and a proper one wouldn’t miss them because they had to miss a day,
and a proper one wouldn’t dream about visiting them,
and i wasn’t a proper one because i was in love with —-,
i think that one always kinda knew,
that my heart was tangled with my mind,
by february we were two,
that is how i found the one that i called mine,
i cannot be specific in why it unfolded as it did,
but i will not skip the inbetween,
because i lived a beautiful many months,
months i wish i could keep replaying,
this one taught me love,
i felt new, as if doubt i had before was just insecurity,
because his eyes were different than mine,
and i loved me because i loved him, and i was happy.
this one brought me little presents,
and asked me if i was okay,
this one made me feel special,
this one loved me,
two was exciting and new,
two was butterflies and nervous dates,
two was an unexpected first kiss,
two was finding some one, and then learning it would have to wait,
because of me, i am one,
because it was never allowed,
and she knew the consequences,
but she didn’t want to say them out loud,
i know what would have happened to me,
it easy to hear all the words that have yet to be said,
but they know me differently than everyone else knows me,
i think they would have been worse to him instead,
first it was just a thought,
to give up two in the name of preventing disaster,
i tried to keep that worry to myself,
but the days after that left my head spinning faster and faster,
a liar and a nervous wreck,
a wish that my head could just shut up,
a thought of wanting to forget my expectations,
a moment of two that i broke up into two ones,
one is very lost,
and is never sure of what was right and what was wrong,
because everything feels like both,
and she can’t get what she wants,
maybe its selfish, but she has her own wishes,
like holding hands without having to check her phone for missed calls,
hugs where she doesn’t have to worry about someone seeing her,
a day where she doesn’t have to leave hours before night falls,
so i said not now,
i said i wanted each of us to be one,
we’ve been in this problem for months now,
and now i guess, for while, it’s done,
one does not want to be one,
one thought this was the compromise, and that this would be fine,
one was trying to be grown up and be strong,
so why can’t one stop crying,
i said those words,
so why do i wish i could take them back,
she doesn’t understand why there isn’t a solution,
and fuck it hurts.
one is one,
one doesn’t know how to be one again,
one has lost what one once called “mine”,
one hopes there’s a world when one and one can be two, but she just doesn’t know when.
