“There's no need to change the past. Because of the past we are who we are now. Every second, every action from then is linked to us here and now.” ― Hiro Mashima (Gray Fullbuster)
Sometimes I really hate when I’m right. I hate when I know what’s going to happen. I hate that it hurts all the same, maybe even worse, because I couldn’t prove it wrong.
I always say I want to know myself. We’re always searching to discover who we truly are, find ourselves, understand and grow. All those romatisized letters that line the edges of the lyrics and glow within the veins of the palms that sculpt the luxurious dreams that drift between reality and our demise and yet it’s doused upon every birthed soul as if it were the water that provides life. And we drink. We believe. We dream. We sing and dance and play pretend in our pen of extreme feelings and we call it life. We know so much, don’t we? We’re so smart, so curious, so understanding.
Fuck this.
It means nothing to be knowledgeable when you predict that the knife will slit your throat, when they’ll tear you down and drag you back. It means nothing when all you can do is play in this playground of lies, you and fantasies of growing up. The illusions of future, past and present.
To know all the wrong things, forget all that I should remember. To question the laws when the city is ridden with crime, and the sirens are wailing. Why did I know the pain without being there, feel the grip while the time reads 4 hours too late, and have all the time in the world to think of a solution I will never have.
It’s like watching someone count down their days. Pale and weak. Unable to open their eyes. It’s like knowing it would come to this. Knowing that one day, all of those memories will be lost when they fail to recognize you. When they don’t see you. When you’ll never see them again.
The sweetest poison that I drink even now. Even when I know what it is. The kind that makes you feel ok about not being ok and tells you how much you’ll wish you could have spent this time better. That tells you to enjoy it while it lasts. The poison that makes you responsible, guilty, thoughtful, and a liar. Remembering these wishes and knowing it was all a waste. That it all still goes bad in the end. That you failed when you knew the problem at the time. And you gave it up because…. because….
You’re going to regret this.
I know I will. I already am.
If we’re going down, I guess it’s down in flames. Down, where the ashes can’t be found, where the world will only see the embers glowing through the darkness. I knew. I know. I wish I didn’t. I wish I knew what to wish for. I wish wishes came true and that dreams were a synonym for reality. I wish I wasn’t so naive and also that I never know the truths of this world. I wish you would find me and never see me. I wish I could tell you those words that mean nothing and that they could be true. I wish I could drown in those voices as the queen of misery and rule it all. I wish we
I wish I could say I love you.
I wish I could remember the last thing you said.
I wish I looked up to you instead of being jealous.
I wish I’d called the police that day.
I wish I could speak the way I wanted it to be heard.
And I know I’ll be disappointed. Yes and no and maybe and everything in between. I only understand what I know I will have to eventually. I only want everything and nothing.
I wish I wasn’t this pathetic.
But I am. And I know that. I wish the impossible wishes and yet I hoped. Hoped. I had hope when there was the wisp of a chance.
There are no games to play in the playground of lies when you’re alone. There is no tag or hide-and-seek. There is no taunting or teasing or secret handshakes. There’s only you. You, and your imaginary friends.
I hate when I’m right. I hate knowing how many tears will fall. I hate hating things because it’s bad. I’m supposed to be grown-up about this. I’m supposed to be understanding and accepting. And somehow I’ve fucked that up too. Somehow I’m the opposite of an adult, but not a child, not an adolescent. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know who I am. And yet this all started because for a moment in time, I did. And like the screwed up little teen I am, I took to a keyboard.
I don’t want to understand. I don’t understand. I don’t want to know what I do. I don’t want to remember. I don’t think…
I don’t think I should keep going through this cyclical paradox. I don’t think I’m capable of this. I don’t think I’m okay. I don’t.
This is why I love the lies. This is why I never leave.
OKAY. So I was doing some work and happened to be looking through some old posts on my other blog (cause, y’know, I love to procrastinate ❤) and I found THIS. I, wholeheartedly, have no memory of ever writing this piece, and just happened to find it by chance. It wasn’t filed under my name properly either, which explains why I didn’t uncover it earlier, but I’m so incredibly grateful right now that this piece exists.
For context, I wrote this piece at the very end of Semester 1 last year, a day after my last exam. Prior to this, I had been out of country, travelling in India from early December to early January, and as a result, had missed a whopping 2 weeks of school right before exam season. If it hasn’t occurred to you yet, I was very very screwed. However, through all of this, I eventually pulled myself together to write this blog post below:
This past semester was probably the craziest one I’ve ever had. With three cores, after school activities, and leaving for almost four weeks, I am a mess. Like, look at this blog post. It was due yesterday (which was the final deadline) but my clown self is posting it today. I’ve got notes all across the floor in my room, and the number of paper cuts on my feet are ridiculous. It’s all over now, but the last thing I feel is accomplished, because I didn’t meet my goals at all.
My science grades have both dropped over five percent, my ELA homework is all late, I didn’t do great in my exams, and now I just want to cry. I only slept for four hours last night because I had seen my Physics grade before going to bed. My parents are disappointed in me, and more than that, I am in myself because I did so well last year, and now it’s all falling apart. I spent today crying and trying to relax but it’s really hard to do that when there is a pounding voice telling me to do better, telling me that I won’t make it, and honestly, I’m terrified. Questions of whether I’m going to get accepted into university are starting to pop up in my mind, and the overarching demon of self-doubt is starting to consume me again. The last time it was this bad was in grade nine.
Time is moving so slowly, but the hours are slipping away from me as I sit here in this state, and feel the pain that Ive been hiding from myself. I tell myself that I missed so much class, that this was to be expected, but if I’m honest, I know I had the time to study when I came back, I was just so exhausted and didn’t feel like putting in the effort that I now wish I’d had. And it hurts. It hurts because my image of myself is crumbling and I’m trying so hard to plater it back together because I can’t fail myself. I don’t want to fail myself. But I am. And deep inside, it’s killing me. It makes me want to run away and start over or hurt myself so that I can have pity for myself instead of anger. But I know it’s wrong, deep in my heart, because if I do that, I won’t be gaining anything, or growing. I’ll be lying to myself, turning my life into an illusion and I don’t have the soul for that. So instead, I decided to write this blog post. It’s the only way for me to lay out my life infront of me, to seal my thoughts in time, so that I can’t later pretend that they didn’t exist. Because the only I’m going to get better, is if I swallow the self doubt before it swallows me. And this is my way of doing it.
I’m crying right now as I type because there is more truth in these words than there are in me. They are keeping me from hiding them. They are keeping me honest. So know that I see my situation in it true light, I need to stop crying, because it isn’t going to get me anywhere. Yes, I may be a weak, and overly sensitive individual, but I know when enough is enough, and now is that time. I’m going to fix this all, because I know what I’m capable of, and what in the past, is in the past, and I need to look at the present. How am I going to change myself to be who I want to be? By keeping myself in reality.
Game Plan for the next three semesters:
I have Math, Bio, and Social next semester, so I know I’m gonna need to be making cue cards for the info heavy subjects, and I’m going to need to practicing a lot to gain confidence in Math. With this in mind, every night, I’m gonna read through and make cue cards, and I’m gonna start keeping up with the homework by setting up a system. I know that unless something is physical, I will continue to push it aside, so I’m gonna make myself an adjustable sign, telling me when I’ve done everything that needs to be done (kind like how the chefs from Ratatouille check themselves in when they reached the restaurant). I know it sounds strange because I’m the one who has to keep myself in check, but I have enough integrity in myself, that I can’t physically act on something while knowing the truth (mentally is a different story because I have a habit of persuading my thoughts; I can’t do this with physical things, it’s a weird quirk of mine, which also explains why I can’t steal. I’m simply not able to. Think of it this way: if there is a sign infront of a park that says “restricted area”, and I want to go in, and there’s nothing in my way, I will go in. However, if there is a door in the way, even if it’s unlocked, I won’t, simply because I’d have to open the door with my hands)
Finish the homework on Friday, relax over the weekend and read over notes
Exambank has really been helpful, I’m using that for any and all unit tests
One really important thing is that I need start asking for help from my parents, which I’ve been avoiding simply because they get annoyed easily. But at the end of the day, it’s more important to get grades, even if it means that my parents won’t be in the greatest mood with me
I’m not going out after school, unless it’s Friday. Period. I need to focus on my work
I’m deleting my social media apps whenever there is a test upcoming, so that I can stay focused. Once I’m on those apps, I’m stuck there for at least 30 minutes minimum
And finally, I am not leaving school for that long of a period again. When I came back, I was lost, behind and exhausted, so I was really not ready for exams. I know there are so things coming up in June for me, but if it comes to leaving school again, I promise myself, that I will refuse and continue to refuse until we have time off. I’m not about to let this happen again
My mood, in these 30 minutes, has changed from a state of panicked, hopelessness, to a surge of determination. It’s incredible what writing can do. Anyways, I am ready to grow from the past. I won’t forget it, but I will relieve myself from the pains of it; there’s no point be sad over it now. I know that you, as the reader, are probably judging me right now, wondering how poorly I did, and you know what? Im fine with that. Because I’m going to choose to show my real feeling and plan, rather than cover it up, because in order for me to grow, I’m going to need people to put me in my place with their judgement, so that I can judge myself fairly. So that I can succeed. And I refuse to cry until I reach that point.
———————-
OKAY, I’M SORRY WHAT???? I WROTE THIS??????
I know this story. I know what happened during that time in my life, and I know what kind of pressures I was under. It was a really, really bad time. The reason I’m in awe at the moment, though, is because I didn’t realize how much I actually took that pain to heart. I didn’t notice how much it’s changed my actions or my mindset. I never understood what people meant when they told me I had changed this year, but the puzzle pieces are finally starting to connect.
Some things that have changed over the last year and a half:
My science grades for both Physics and Chem were low 80 -> My Science grades are all in the low 90’s, and my Physics grade improved by 13%
I didn’t know if I was going to be able to get into any of the university options I was interested in -> I got accepted into multiple universities for my first choice
My study habit improved by so much it’s not even funny. I went from barely studying, to studying daily
Now, this is just a list of positives, but I should also mention the more negative impacts of everything that has happened. Over the last 2 years, I developed terrible test anxiety, as well as a tendency to draw near burn-out from time-to-time. I’ve lost a slightly concerning amount of weight due to stress alone, and my sleep was basically non-existent for a while. There was even a good 5 months where I couldn’t eat without feeling like throwing up. It was like that up until around the beginning of this semester. It was very very bad for my mental health, but I put up with it because I was getting results. I watched my grades rise from the dead, and become some of the highest marks I’ve ever gotten in my entire life. I saw myself rise back up to the level of academics I held before high school, and I built faith in myself again. Yes, I felt terrible, but I think I was the proudest I have been.
There were people that told me I would never be able to recover after grade 11. I was told that chances were that I was going to float around that average for the rest of high school. And I’m the kind of person who believed them. I was devastated by the thought, and when I heard a teacher say it, I took it to heart.
Now, I may be an emotional mess with confidence issues, but I do have some pride. Just because I believed them, didn’t mean that I was going to accept it. I pulled together everything in me during the second semester to prove that I wasn’t bound to fail, or if I was, then I wasn’t going to do it without a fight. Even when we went into lockdown, I attended every class, handed in every assignment, and did everything I could, even though I knew that my grades could only go up. I’m not a big fan of working or studying, but I couldn’t let it go during that time, because I felt this consuming guilt build up in me otherwise. I wanted it so bad. I don’t remember typing out that plan to improve, but the words are familiar. It’s definitely something I would have written.
So, the question is: Why am I writing this follow up blog post? Good question. I’m not really sure, I just had the sudden urge to write on it after I found it. I guess, in a weird way, I was just proud and shocked at the same time. It’s occurring to me that I never exaggerated my memories, which is honestly kind of scary. In the end, I’m just in awe of how much my life has changed. I really am not the same person as I was beginning of grade 11, which is catching me by surprise considering that I’ve always thought that I’ve been the same person since grade 7. It’s just interesting to have a very central thought of mine be disproven I suppose. That said, it’s not something to be upset or happy about, as I am who I am. I’ll always have problems, but seeing this kind of growth is what’s gonna push me to keep fighting.
The moral of the story: If someone ever tells you that there is something that you are incapable of, or simply aren’t good enough, take it as a challenge. The satisfaction of proving it to yourself and others is absolutely amazing. Crush those who underestimate you hehehe:)
But seriously. Believe in yourself, because sometimes no one else will.
the merry go round of life (howl’s moving castle lofi) – Closed on Sundays
————————————–
I have work to do. I have people I need to communicate with. I have opportunities to make life interesting. But instead, I’m here, doing absolutely nothing while my mind eats away at my existence
*Writes a to-do list. Places list on the wall as a decoration*
I should probably talk to this person… but I like the song that’s playing. I’ll wait till it’s done playing. *The same song has been playing on loop for the last 3 hours*
“No, no don’t worry, that’s okay! I’ll be fine.” please ask me if I’m lying
Do they really even care, or am I just being dramatic? Why do I care? Stop caring.
A thought pops into my head. It makes sense. An excuse pops into my head. It makes even more sense. I give up
I don’t want to lie to people. But I think that’s the only thing I know how to do. I’m sorry I’m so broken. Please don’t hate me.
Why is it that even when everything is right, it feels wrong? It’s as if life is not allowed to be “running smoothly”. When life is going well, and the world is bright, the small dark patches become more noticeable, and they draw attention from everything else. And, if there are no dark patches? Well then, all of the light feels dimmer and the colors become pale as they have nothing to contrast with
“Of course I can stay another 5 minutes!”. you make me so uncomfortable, I’d rather be anywhere else
I want to do this. It makes me happy. My brain tells me to shut up. I guess I’ll keep scrolling
𝄆 It’s getting late. I should sleep. *10 minutes pass*. 𝄇
“I love you!”. no I don’t.
*Says what’s expected of me. Immediately hopes that someone will call me out on the BS I just said*
Idk = sorry, I took back my thoughts cause they feel stupid now
I tell them we’ll talk tomorrow. The chat is full of multicolored hearts and compliments. I forget to call them the next day. They do as well. I say I’m sorry, but did I didn’t end up calling them after that anyways
Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar. Liar.
I’m going to do it. I’m going to say it. *Types out a paragraphs then deletes it, then attempts to rewrite it again. You wonder why I kept typing, but never sent anything*
“I want someone to read this post and reach out to me.” that’s just gonna make it worse, honestly. please don’t care
I’m not even sure what I’m writing about anymore. I feel tired but I can’t sleep. I don’t know what day it is
So many ideas. I was so excited to enjoy and create. But the closer I get to what I was going to to do, the more I want to run away. The more I want to hide under my covers and hum a quiet tune to myself.
*Does something fun. Is too busy feeling anxious about everything I haven’t completed yet*
“I’m sorry”. please, I really am sorry I ruined it. I should go before I mess something else up
*Writes a whole post about things that are bothering me. Doesn’t post it because I actually don’t want anyone to see this*
From the day I met you in middle school, there was something about you. This sense of maturity and skill that you seemed to pour into everything. When you proved your abilities against me and were victorious, I wasn’t mad. I was in awe. Your were everything I wanted to be. You were my inspiration.
You were.
Whenever we had classes, I did my best impress you or to connect with you in hopes that we could be friends. In hopes that you would see something in me, and that I could learn to be someone as amazing as you.
But
You never seemed to want to talk to me. We talked, but only as much as was necessary, and when I tried to make small talk, you seemed to have a much more thought through interpretation. In short, somewhere along the line, I felt as though we would never be on the same level, and I accepted that I was inferior, and that someone like you wouldn’t want to talk to me. So I kept to myself, and admired your actions like any other person would. I thought you were amazing.
And then quarantine hit. And somewhere along those 6 months, I fell in love with me.
———————
This year, they sat down beside me in class. A sense of joy filled me, as the thought of them finding me cool enough to talk to on a regular basis boosted my confidence in myself. This person that I’d been trying to be friends with for so many years doesn’t think I’m an absolute idiot. What a relief! As the semester started, we were in close enough proximity that we began to chat when given free time, and eventually became acquaintances. Writing it down, it sounds incredibly pathetic to think that I found so much pride in conversing with this person, but that was the reality. They were the person to impress. They were my (insert a less cringy synonym for “idol”).
Being in the same class, we were often prompted to share our work with each other, and naturally, me and them shared with each other. However, within the first couple of weeks of school, it became painfully obvious how closely matched out skill-set was. In terms of the class, we were both incredibly talented, and it wasn’t only us who noticed. As people started addressing us in a similar fashion, it hit me that I was just as good as them. Me. I was as good as THEM. When I realized this, something inside me got so excited. I might actually be good enough to be their friend. Someone as incredibly talented as them might actually also view me as talented. The thought that hit me the hardest, however, was that I was as good as them. REALLY? Am I really that amazing? In that case, have I always been as good as them or did I just improve over the quarantine? Either way, I’ve reached their level. I’ve become what I dreamed of being.:)
And then, one day, it happened. I was minding my own business and working on myself, when they came up to me.
“Hey Sim, you’ve really changed.”
HUH. I’VE CHANGED? I had a million questions, but I my immediate response was a blushy thank you. THIS WAS HUGE. This person actually thought I’d developed, and more so, they liked whatever I’d changed into. Even though I don’t feel like I’ve changed at all over the 4 years of high school, they saw something in me, something that was big enough for them to tell me. I was beaming that entire day.
With that, we became actual friends. We made a group chat, and set up plans with each other and…. something wasn’t right. Ever since we became actual friends and actually started talking, something started to bug me. They weren’t exactly the idol I thought they were. And with that realization, the filter was removed and I could see reality again.
The first time I noticed it was when they made a funny comment about my work. Out of nowhere, after we’d seen each other’s work so many times, they told me that they didn’t know I was so talented. Um, thank you, but… you’ve been looking over my work for like 3 weeks now so… uh. I figured I was just being dramatic and accepted the compliment regardless. I tried to not let such a stupid thought fester. However, as time progressed, their comments felt even stranger. It felt almost as if some of them were backhanded compliments that made them seem superior to me. Knowing that we were so similar in skills I couldn’t help but notice it. I was confident in my work. Why would they say something like that. Up until now, I’ve chalked it up to them mistakenly implying something like that. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that they might have a bit of an ego.
The other thing that made me realize they weren’t exactly what I thought they were, was when they started discussions with me. For some reason, they always revolved around two topics, neither of which I was particularly fond of. At first, I would join in anyways, and make the most of the conversation. But as the same topics continued to reappear, I realized that I didn’t want to keep talking about that. It appeared as though their interests were only revolved around those two things, and as a result, made them seem a bit obsessed. I never said anything about it though as I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, and chose to tap out of the conversations instead. Once I made that decision, it occured to me that I didn’t really want to be part of the thing I’d been aiming to be a part of for so many years.
As I got to know them better, they slowly turned into “just another person”. Yes, they were talented, but I am too. Yes, they liked who I was, but I did too. Yes, they enjoyed my company, but does that really matter if I don’t know if I enjoy theirs? We are definitely still friends and we still talk, but I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps the person I was looking for wasn’t the person I found. They are a lovely person, but my vision of them was tinted because I never really knew them. I guess my head was too far up in the clouds to see clearly. It’s a little upsetting to come to such a conclusion, but if anything, it has definitely feel more confident in myself. I no longer feel like I need to impress anyone, because I know I’m as good as I need to be. Along with this, it has forced me to recognize that even the most amazing people have their flaws, and that’s perfectly fine. We’re all human at the end of the day, and that’s part of the beauty of it. So, to that person, thank you for being such a big inspiration. You provided me with something to work towards to. You may not have been who I thought you were, but you helped make me a better person, and I’m grateful. Thank You.:)
