From the day I met you in middle school, there was something about you. This sense of maturity and skill that you seemed to pour into everything. When you proved your abilities against me and were victorious, I wasn’t mad. I was in awe. Your were everything I wanted to be. You were my inspiration.
You were.
Whenever we had classes, I did my best impress you or to connect with you in hopes that we could be friends. In hopes that you would see something in me, and that I could learn to be someone as amazing as you.
But
You never seemed to want to talk to me. We talked, but only as much as was necessary, and when I tried to make small talk, you seemed to have a much more thought through interpretation. In short, somewhere along the line, I felt as though we would never be on the same level, and I accepted that I was inferior, and that someone like you wouldn’t want to talk to me. So I kept to myself, and admired your actions like any other person would. I thought you were amazing.
And then quarantine hit. And somewhere along those 6 months, I fell in love with me.
———————
This year, they sat down beside me in class. A sense of joy filled me, as the thought of them finding me cool enough to talk to on a regular basis boosted my confidence in myself. This person that I’d been trying to be friends with for so many years doesn’t think I’m an absolute idiot. What a relief! As the semester started, we were in close enough proximity that we began to chat when given free time, and eventually became acquaintances. Writing it down, it sounds incredibly pathetic to think that I found so much pride in conversing with this person, but that was the reality. They were the person to impress. They were my (insert a less cringy synonym for “idol”).
Being in the same class, we were often prompted to share our work with each other, and naturally, me and them shared with each other. However, within the first couple of weeks of school, it became painfully obvious how closely matched out skill-set was. In terms of the class, we were both incredibly talented, and it wasn’t only us who noticed. As people started addressing us in a similar fashion, it hit me that I was just as good as them. Me. I was as good as THEM. When I realized this, something inside me got so excited. I might actually be good enough to be their friend. Someone as incredibly talented as them might actually also view me as talented. The thought that hit me the hardest, however, was that I was as good as them. REALLY? Am I really that amazing? In that case, have I always been as good as them or did I just improve over the quarantine? Either way, I’ve reached their level. I’ve become what I dreamed of being.:)
And then, one day, it happened. I was minding my own business and working on myself, when they came up to me.
“Hey Sim, you’ve really changed.”
HUH. I’VE CHANGED? I had a million questions, but I my immediate response was a blushy thank you. THIS WAS HUGE. This person actually thought I’d developed, and more so, they liked whatever I’d changed into. Even though I don’t feel like I’ve changed at all over the 4 years of high school, they saw something in me, something that was big enough for them to tell me. I was beaming that entire day.
With that, we became actual friends. We made a group chat, and set up plans with each other and…. something wasn’t right. Ever since we became actual friends and actually started talking, something started to bug me. They weren’t exactly the idol I thought they were. And with that realization, the filter was removed and I could see reality again.
The first time I noticed it was when they made a funny comment about my work. Out of nowhere, after we’d seen each other’s work so many times, they told me that they didn’t know I was so talented. Um, thank you, but… you’ve been looking over my work for like 3 weeks now so… uh. I figured I was just being dramatic and accepted the compliment regardless. I tried to not let such a stupid thought fester. However, as time progressed, their comments felt even stranger. It felt almost as if some of them were backhanded compliments that made them seem superior to me. Knowing that we were so similar in skills I couldn’t help but notice it. I was confident in my work. Why would they say something like that. Up until now, I’ve chalked it up to them mistakenly implying something like that. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that they might have a bit of an ego.
The other thing that made me realize they weren’t exactly what I thought they were, was when they started discussions with me. For some reason, they always revolved around two topics, neither of which I was particularly fond of. At first, I would join in anyways, and make the most of the conversation. But as the same topics continued to reappear, I realized that I didn’t want to keep talking about that. It appeared as though their interests were only revolved around those two things, and as a result, made them seem a bit obsessed. I never said anything about it though as I didn’t want to hurt their feelings, and chose to tap out of the conversations instead. Once I made that decision, it occured to me that I didn’t really want to be part of the thing I’d been aiming to be a part of for so many years.
As I got to know them better, they slowly turned into “just another person”. Yes, they were talented, but I am too. Yes, they liked who I was, but I did too. Yes, they enjoyed my company, but does that really matter if I don’t know if I enjoy theirs? We are definitely still friends and we still talk, but I’ve come to the conclusion that perhaps the person I was looking for wasn’t the person I found. They are a lovely person, but my vision of them was tinted because I never really knew them. I guess my head was too far up in the clouds to see clearly. It’s a little upsetting to come to such a conclusion, but if anything, it has definitely feel more confident in myself. I no longer feel like I need to impress anyone, because I know I’m as good as I need to be. Along with this, it has forced me to recognize that even the most amazing people have their flaws, and that’s perfectly fine. We’re all human at the end of the day, and that’s part of the beauty of it. So, to that person, thank you for being such a big inspiration. You provided me with something to work towards to. You may not have been who I thought you were, but you helped make me a better person, and I’m grateful. Thank You.:)
Dear Simran,
Hello hello~ as usual, your writing is super smooth and flowy! I really liked the overall concept of this piece, as it contains themes of self-love and personal growth, something I realllly relate to, especially because of quarantine.
I’m glad that you could see past your glorified version of your former idol (lol)! I think, when you don’t love yourself enough, you see other people as untouchable, as if they re so much better than you. Then you shrink and then sort of conform to what everyone thinks, and by doing that you literally become nobody, blending into the crowd. As corny as it sounds, confidence is key, and I do believe that creates hugee potential in an individual, and then from that point on you don’t need nobody else hehe.
Look forward to reading your posts~
Debbs
Dear Deb,
While we always make fun of the quarantine period being an awkward and boring time, I have to admit it is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. Being away from people for so long really helped me to learn more about myself, as I had no one else to please other than myself. It’s really very comforting to hear that I was not the only one who found their own beauty during that time, as it I think it’s something we never seem to discuss. Overall, your comment is incredibly beautiful. You’re really spitting straight facts here hehe! With that, I thank you for reading my post. It really means a lot to me:)
With love, Sim
As I was reading it, I was astonished, I mean I’m not surprised because you are so talented. This message of watching someone you looked up change once you get to know them is such a powerful, heartbreaking moment. Watching as you become more confident in your work inspires many individuals including myself to become more confident in mine. I’m glad you understood you don’t feed to impress anyone to gain the attention of others.
This was spectacular but in terms of feedback, just be aware of GUMPS in your work. At times, I was quite distracted but other than that, it was spectacular. (If this doesn’t make sense, I will just tell you what I mean in person)
I really enjoyed your piece and really captured your emotion throughout. Love you and can’t wait to read more of your work!!
Love,
Amal
Dear Amal,
Thank you for reading my post! Looking back on it, I think I completely forgot to give this post a final check before handing it in cause DANG there are some wacky grammar errors in here. I completely understand what you mean, and will edit it once I get the time (IT’S ACTUALLY LOWKEY EMBARRASSING HOW MANY ERRORS THERE ARE NGL). Anyways, I’m glad you enjoyed and will continue to read my work!
Love,
Simran
Dear Simran,
Wow, I loved this! I can definitely relate to this, and I feel like it fits into really well into the appearance vs. reality scenario. They say you should never meet your heroes, and this is the reason why. I haven’t had the experience of meeting somebody I idolize, but I can imagine how…almost disappointing it is to find out they’re nothing like you expect them to be. The view on the inside is completely different from the surface level. I also love how you incorporated the idea of self-acceptance and self-love, as well as confidence. In a case like this, that’s surely important and it’s really for the best, even if you do come out feeling underwhelmed by what you’ve been building up for so long. As you said, it makes you a better person, and you are what matters in the end.
Other than a few grammatical errors here and there, I think this is a beautiful piece. I’m really looking forwards to reading more from you 🙂
Anastasia
Dear Anastasia,
Hehe you really hit the nail on the head here. It’s crazy how much our perceptions of people change when we get to know them, and yet for some reason, that didn’t register at the time. As for the self-love, I think a big part of the whole situation had to do with not recognizing or paying enough attention to myself, and for that reason, it felt really natural to add that in this piece!
I’ll be honest, I think I was brain-dead when I wrote this post, and now that I look at it, it’s incredibly evident in my writing. Totally skipped over editing in favour of sleep teehee. Anyways, when I get the time, I’ll make sure to fix it up! With that, I thank you for reading through my post and for commenting!:)
Sincerely, Simran
Dear Simran,
I completely understand and relate to a lot of your feelings in this piece. A lot of times, you meet people and think they are so cool and you would like to be friends with them but at the same time, you believe that you will never be good enough for them to like you. I always associated mine with low self-esteem and not truly seeing myself as the person everyone else sees. I know we’re not close but I’m really proud of you for realizing your worth and learning to love yourself because I know that journey was certainly not easy and I’m still trying to figure it out myself. I also found the ending where you thanked them for making you a better person truly satisfying. I really enjoy your style of writing in general because it feels like everything you would say on a regular basis, like when a friend is ranting to me.
Sincerely,
Bolu
Dear Bolu,
It really is strange how our perceptions change over time. Maybe it’s just apart of growing up, or perhaps it’s just circumstance, but either way, I’ve found that I showed me just how much of the world was in my head. While I cannot say I’m completely confident, I do want to thank you for recognizing the improvements I did make. It’s difficult to see yourself when we’re always looking at everyone else. I’d say, the one thing that helped the most, was taking the time to be alone. While people are great, we learn to depend on them for things unintentionally, so that is the one thing I think you could take away from my own experiences (sorry I just kinda gave you advice even though you didn’t ask for it, but it truly was something that helped me, so if you are looking to work on that, I’d say to give this a try!). Once again, thank you for reading and commenting, as well as for making this a wonderful year!:)
Sincerely, Simran